Saturday, September 15, 2007

Kwame Kilpatrick Tells Radio Audience: 'It's Hard Out Here for a Mayor'

This past Tuesday Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was “blown away,” (his expression), when a jury unanimously found him and the city liable for unfairly punishing two ex-cops probing reports of bad behavior by the mayor and his police bodyguards. The jury awarded the plaintiffs more than $6.5 million.

"I'm absolutely blown away ... and I know Detroiters are, too," said Kilpatrick, who vowed to appeal the decision. (“Mayor 'blown away:' Jury awards $6.5M to two ex-cops”).

The mayor immediately denounced the verdict as unfair, charging that the “facts have no relation to the verdict," that he was not judged by his peers (because only one black Detroiter was on his jury), and that he “did not get a fair trial.” (“MAYOR VS. THE VERDICT: Kilpatrick brought the decision on himself, juror says”). He intends to appeal the verdict, which will drive up the final cost of the judgment as interest will continue to accrue until final resolution. Either way, the city will pay Kilpatrick's portion of the judgment.

The mayor promptly scheduled radio interviews on stations with a “predominantly urban audience.” Kilpatrick was able to explain that, in spite of the wickednesss of the jury system that so wrongly ruled against him, he is unphased by the judgments of the unrighteous, as he serves at the pleasure of the LORD.

“They don't have the power to resurrect or the power to condemn,” he said. “I will be here tomorrow at work, carrying my laptop.” He adds that he “won't be deterred from the mission God gave him to lead the city and warning black men that the outcome of his case sends a dangerous message.”

Kilpatrick explained to listeners that the unjust verdict against him is “Because people have been so pent up to punish me, they got it.”

And not only that, the unanimous verdict also was followed by scathing remarks from at least one juror, foreman Curtis Scott, who said in an interview that he thought the mayor and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty were “liars,” “arrogant,” and that the mayor was "a spoiled little brat who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, was sent to the corner and is now pouting."

Scott called him that name again, when he added, “He should take the punishment like a man, not like a spoiled little brat. He could save the city some money and save the court some time by not appealing.”

But Kilpatrick has to appeal, because while he personally is man enough to stand up under the injustice, he has a divine mission to look out for all those other black males whom may be similarly targeted.

“All of a sudden,” he said of his experience as a defendant, “you just get corrupt, ignorant, stupid, lazy and promiscuous. And I just think that this is a reality check -- not just on Kwame Kilpatrick because, you know, I'm God's guy; I'm going to be all right -- I think this is for all black men right now in the city of Detroit.

"I think we need to pause and examine this situation because there's so many of us that hear every day we're no good."

So Kilpatrick has to fight this injustice, as “God’s guy,” and for all the black men in Detroit who also risk facing “this situation.” (According to the Detroit Free Press, “The mayor did not specify what he meant by 'this situation,' and declined to comment for this report. His spokesman, Matt Allen, declined to clarify the mayor's remarks.")

Kilpatrick wound up his testimony this way:

"I believe with all of my heart and my soul that God anointed me to do this. And I believe something bad would happen to me if I walked away from this blessing."

After saying which, Kwame began spraying out an infectious beat, accompanied by, as it turned out, his chief of staff, Christine Beatty:

(Melodiously, to the tune of, “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”):

It's Hard Out Here for a Mayor

[Chorus 2X: Christine - singing] + (Kwame)
You know it's hard out here for a mayah (you ain't knowin)
When he tryin to be His Honor and a playah (you ain't knowin)
For the Explorers and the lawyers money spent (you ain't knowin)
[1] Because a whole lot of cops talkin shit (you ain't knowin)
[2] And now a whole lot of jurors talkin shit (you ain't knowin)


Cops that drive me see some crazy thangs in the streets
Like a bitch in a mink shakin' naked there for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Coleman on vote night
Like lyin’ to the churches don't know no better, I know that ain't right
Done made people fired, done got people hurt
Done hit Jamaican coochie in a damn short skirt
It's fucked up where you live, but that's just how it is
Cuz my crib is a mansion, and I can stay in there for years
See I’m God’s guy for this city when it come down to this shit
So why not try to hit it 'fore I leave up out this bitch?
I'm tryin to have thangs but it's hard fo' a Mayah
But I'm prayin and I'm hopin to God I don't slip, yeah


Anonymous said...

You ain't knowin how hard you made us laugh.


Anonymous said...

Very funny and clever. Kwame is a caricature, and you have drawn him well.

You are a very gifted writer

Anonymous said...

Due to severe blurring of the eyes from laughing so hard, Mrs. Goddard typed her comment on the wrong post.

Copied from Jihad in the Park post(btw way not funny at all; no, indeed quite sad actually)

ACTION ALERT: Readers of this post have reported bladder control issues resulting from sudden paroxysms of laughter.

Results may vary - consult your Dr. if you take Detrol LA, have diabetes, glaucoma, or high blood pressure.

Your Dr. may recommend you skip all medications for the day due to laughter really being the best medicine.

Mrs. Goddard