Friday, December 14, 2007

Consensus: Liza Pregnant at 61

Fabulous star of stage and screen Liza Minnelli, 61, daughter of the late and unbelievably talented and super-tragic, Judy Garland, reportedly “toppled over” while performing a Christmas show in Sweden. (“Liza topples over”).

The exciting and stylishly-coiffed Ms. Minnelli has been rushed back to the United States for treatment. Brilliant social commentator and genius auteur Michael Moore says that Ms. Minnelli returned for treatment in spite of repeated warnings by him that Sweden’s health-care system is “ginormously” superior to the overpriced quackery practiced in Amerika.

At first, experts were baffled at the exquisite Ms. Minnelli’s unexpected toppling over while performing in a nation that has made it all but impossible for tourists to get a drink. On hearing of it, anthropologists rushed to point out that it was their consensus view, (with no “deniers”), that Ms. Minnelli in fact is manifesting the very problem that all early female bipeds faced, namely, “tumbling over like a bowling pin” when pregnant. (“Why don't pregnant women tip? Evolution”).

Harvard University anthropologists pointed to their recent research describing how long ago “evolution had produced a stronger and more flexible lower spine for women,” making it possible for pregnant monkey-women to lean back to accommodate their swollen bellies, rather than walking around on all fours. This spontaneous and undesigned leap forward enabled early moms-to-be to “forage effectively or escape predators,” or even wear high heels. A companion report from Harvard University sociologists describes how, in spite of the evolutionary improvement to their spines, females in the Pleistocene period still struggled with inadequate pre-natal treatment and a lack of quality child care resources.

Experts in the field of science are shocked with the effervescent Ms. Minnelli’s circumstances for two reasons: first, that the spectacular Ms. Minnelli managed to be “in a family way” at her age; but also that the evolutionary adaptation of the flexible spine--now millions and millions of years old--somehow was not passed on to hit singer and three-time Tony Award winner, Ms. Minnelli, the way most of her mother's singing talent was.

Ms. Minnelli’s press agent has denied categorically that the star of the hit movie version of Cabaret is “expecting.” A spokesman for the anthropologists responded that the “scientific consensus” for their absolutely true conclusions about Ms. Minnelli’s evolutionary and maternal conditions contradict the Hollywood superstar’s denial--dismissing it as coming from a “few noisy skeptics -- most of whom are not even scientists.”


Anonymous said...

" Liza Pregnant at 61 "

Please, I was eating lunch.

Anonymous said...

And the father is Elvis, the fat Elvis mind you. I wonder what miracle of evolutionary spinal flexibility they had to employ to pull THAT off!

Thanks for the laugh.

T.R. Clancy said...

Actually, I've kind of liked Liza since she was on Arrested Development, the funniest show of the 21st Century so far.

No I'm not gay.

Anonymous said...

I am guessing that even if Liza is PG, it is not her lack of spine flexibility that causes her to lose balance.

I agree with you clancy about the A.D. show. Liza has found the perfect venue in the most extremely dysfunctional family in America.

I really would love to see her star in, "Little Mosque On The Prairie".

T.R. Clancy said...

I only watched Little Mosque halfway through first episode. How do you picture the fab Liz? You can't put her hair under a hijab!