Brother, If Lying Fails, Try Prayer. Or At Least Try Lying About Prayer.

There's a Civil-War era anecdote about two Confederate matrons discussing the prospects for success of the rebel cause.

Says the first lady, “I believe our side will prevail because Jeff is a praying man.”

To which the second matron replies, “But they say Abe is a praying man, too.”

To which the first responds, “That may be. But the Lord will believe Jeff.”

Thus marks the last time these pages ever suggest a comparison between legendary wiliness of the Emancipator and the, so far, bottomless narcissism of Detroit’s Kingpin mayor.

I’m reminded of the story because of a report in todays’ Detroit Free Press (“Mayor, backers pray as decision on charges looms”) of a City Hall “prayer session” staged, er, excuse me, convened Saturday with Kwame and 25 of his most spiritually atuned supporters, including spiritual giants Malik Shabbaz, race-hustler Rev. Horace Sheffield, III, and various unnamed union and business leaders. Notably not mentioned as attending was Kilpatrick’s own pastor, Rev. J. Drew Sheard.

Shabbaz, (who, if it weren’t for the Colonel Klink outfits he wears would undoubtedly be mistaken for St. Francis of Assisi), denied the prayer meeting had anything to do with Prosecutor Kym Worthy’s announcement yesterday that she had finally made up her mind about whether or not to charge Kilpatrick with perjury for the whoppers he swore to under oath in court.

“We went to pray,” Shabazz said. “Our mayor is a praying mayor. He believes in the power of prayer, and so do we.”

Okay, I'll buy that. For one, I don’t think Worthy had made her announcement before the prayer meeting was called. Second, since Worthy’s decision was already made, prayer would be too late. And third, if Worthy does announce a decision to charge Kilpatrick, or otherwise fails to let him completely off the hook, it will be Kym who needs prayers, not Kwame.

Then let's just leave aside the minor issue of how a municipal property from which all Nativity scenes have been forever banned can be used for a taxpayer-funded prayer meeting without public comment. I’m more interested in the image of Kwame on his knees for two hours petitioning the Lord--but for what?

Maybe he’s praying for a bolt of lightning to smite his persecutors. But a single bolt won’t do it, as the people who are calling for him to resign grows by the hour. Maybe better request a Noah’s Ark-style deluge to wipe out the 90% of Detroiters who think he’s a big fat liar, and then the remnant can be on your jury. And while it's raining we’d better ask Jehovah to submerge Cox, Dave Bing, and definitely Scott Lewis and Mildred Gaddis, and those certain someones on the City Council.

Or maybe Kwame was just “humbly, humbly,” asking the Lord to give him what he needs to keep on moving forward on behalf of the city he loves “with every part of his being.” You know, things like fortitude, courage, wisdom to do the right thing.

And beyond all that sissy stuff, what this particular hip-hop mayor also needs to run a city includes a whole mess of city grease to spread around to his patrons, his cronies, and his high-school posse, not to mention lots of clandestine nookie, procured with the assistance of dirty cops standing guard over tax-funded love nests, and a whole lot of darkness to cover it all up.

Which would be a big request, even if you're as devout as Kwame, and believe in the power of prayer. because at the moment, there happen to be about two dozen Joshuas who have commanded to sun to stand still for about the past 6 weeks, and there’s not a promise of a shadow in sight.

All of which means the Lord’s going to have to do a real miracle if Kwame’s ever going to get resume his necessary rejuvenating LOLing with the likes of Christine Beatty or the lady in mink without every news camera in the city peeping in the windows.

Anyway, it’s interesting to speculate about the Kwame prayer meeting. But there's one thing I’m pretty sure of. With guys like Shabbaz and Sheffield in your prayer corner, Kingpin won’t be praying for all those people he hurt, and continues to hurt--not for the policemen whose careers he ruined, nor the ones he’s corrupted beyond repair, nor the loyal administration and political accomplices forced to go out and lie for him day after day, nor the strippers and the escorts and the Jamaican chippies it takes to fuel his massive ego, nor the citizens he lies to and disserves so badly.

The ones he loves with every part of his being.