Obama on His Inauguration: 'Bully!'

So far I’ve seen the Lincoln train ride, and the Lincoln Memorial speech, and I hear there's a Lincoln lunch menu. Before he’s even inaugurated Obama’s going to run out of Lincoln images, unless he wants to visit the Ford Theater, or maybe attend some cockfights.

Next we understand he’s going to do FDR, who is just as valuable a role model in light of Obama’s plans for saving the economy. Maybe FDR’s even more valuable a model than Lincoln, since we don’t have slavery any more and aren’t heading towards Civil War.

If Obama does do the Lincoln-FDR switch for his inaugural speech, we’re still trying to confirm if Obama’s going to be fitted out with FDR leg braces. We’re told this all depends on whether or not he decides to request dictatorial powers. (Americans would be much less likely to deny dictatorship to a handicapped person, fearing a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act). If he does the braces, Biden offered to carry Obama from a wheelchair to the podium himself. But this offer was rejected in view of Biden’s lower back situation, so Michelle will do it.

We did find that Obama’s photo op at FDR’s gravesite last week in Hyde Park was changed at the last minute. It seems Michelle found out Obama was intending to be photographed curled atop the grave the way Franklin’s “little dog Fala” reputedly used to do for weeks after her master was interred. The First Lady Elect put her foot down, but agreed to let Biden try it. We are told the Vice President Elect fell asleep in that position and was inadvertently left behind when the motorcade drove away.

Watergate II: 'What Did He Plumb, and When Did He Plumb It?'

It all makes sense. Didn't Nixon have "plumbers" too? Hmmmmm?

Media flagship The New York Times has committed umpteen Ivy-League trained Masters of Journalism to prowl the records halls of Ohio digging up the dirt on one Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher of Holland, Ohio, under serious suspicion that the individual known to police by his alias,“Joe the Plumber,” is in reality an undocumented Republican. ("Real Deal on ‘Joe the Plumber’ Reveals New Slant”):

Thomas Joseph, the business manager of Local 50 of the United Association of Plumbers, Steamfitters and Service Mechanics, based in Toledo, said Thursday that Mr. Wurzelbacher had never held a plumber’s license, which is required in Toledo and several surrounding municipalities.

He also never completed an apprenticeship and does not belong to the plumber’s union, which has endorsed Mr. Obama. On Thursday, he acknowledged that he does plumbing work even though he does not have a license.

His full name is Samuel J. Wurzelbacher. And he owes back taxes, too, public records show. The premise of his complaint to Mr. Obama about taxes may also be flawed, according to tax analysts. Contrary to what Mr. Wurzelbacher asserted and Mr. McCain echoed, neither his personal taxes nor those of the business where he works are likely to rise if Mr. Obama’s tax plan were to go into effect, they said.

Name is Sam not Joe? Makes an honest living as a plumber without union membership?? Owes a small tax debt???

Well, I know I feel betrayed by Joe the Plumber.

They'll probably find out next that he actually likes it when his taxes go up, and wouldn't have minded Obama's tax hike at all.

Now Joe must join the ranks of other famous and outspoken persons who, upon examination, were discovered to be unlicensed posers, such as Abe Lincoln (who practiced law in Illinois without benefit of ABA sanction), and Jesus of Nazareth, (the myth of whose "Jewish carpenter" status has now been debunked by higher critics denying His lack of union sanction).

(I know what you're thinking: Does Obama meet his own high standard? He sure does. He never community organized, and still doesn't, without the express sanction of the official community organizing governing body, ACORN).

If Joe the Plumber's imposture as a legitimate member of the working class doesn't demand prompt investigation by House and Senate committees in the new Democratic Congress, I don't know what will.

Hillary Searches for the Missing Lincoln

Hillary Clinton, secretly impressed with Obama’s speech on race, (the one he gave to deflect criticism of his close association with Jeremiah Wright, and that earned him comparisons with Abraham Lincoln), has decided, in order to deflect attention from Snipergate, to give her own speech setting forth her views on lying.

DU has been unable to confirm the authenticity of draft excerpts provided us, but we’re posting them anyway, because I'm tired and doing so just proves I'm human:

...This is the reality in which Bill and I and other sixties-style liberals of our generation grew up. We came of age when Richard Nixon was facing impeachment, and opportunity for dishonest statements and political hits on enemies was systematically constricted for all public officials. What's remarkable is not how many failed in the face of increased scrutiny of public statements, but rather how many men and women overcame the odds; how many were able to make a way out of no way, like Bill and me, for example.

Understanding this reality requires a reminder of how we arrived at this point. As William Faulkner once wrote, "The past isn't dead and buried. In fact, it isn't even past. In fact, the past never even happened.”

But even for those ambitious political animals who did make it, habits of lying, perjury, and trickery continue to define our worldview in fundamental ways. And occasionally that dishonest worldview finds voice at political rallies, in press interviews, or in stump speeches we repeat over and over again. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear the falsehoods in some of my speeches simply reminds us of the old truism that the most gullible moments in American life occur during presidential campaigns. Our tendency to lie is not always productive.

But the dishonesty is real; it is powerful; and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists among the voters.

I can no more tell the truth about things like the Bosnia visit than I can disown Bill Clinton. And I can no more disown him than I can my black grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, the typical black woman who taught me all the old Negro spirituals—(sings) “I aint no ways tard!”—and took me to march with her at Selma when I was only two, where we dodged bullets fired at us by police, which made me cringe.

I have never been so naïve as to think that I can get through eight years as President without ever once leveling with myself, or you, the American people, about anything.

But I have asserted a firm conviction - a conviction rooted in my faith in my own absolute correctness about things, and faith in the gullibility of the American Democratic voter - that working together we can move beyond some of the ridiculous things I say, and that in fact we have no choice if we are to continue on the path to the more perfect utopian society I have so carefully planned for this nation.

Brother, If Lying Fails, Try Prayer. Or At Least Try Lying About Prayer.

There's a Civil-War era anecdote about two Confederate matrons discussing the prospects for success of the rebel cause.

Says the first lady, “I believe our side will prevail because Jeff is a praying man.”

To which the second matron replies, “But they say Abe is a praying man, too.”

To which the first responds, “That may be. But the Lord will believe Jeff.”

Thus marks the last time these pages ever suggest a comparison between legendary wiliness of the Emancipator and the, so far, bottomless narcissism of Detroit’s Kingpin mayor.

I’m reminded of the story because of a report in todays’ Detroit Free Press (“Mayor, backers pray as decision on charges looms”) of a City Hall “prayer session” staged, er, excuse me, convened Saturday with Kwame and 25 of his most spiritually atuned supporters, including spiritual giants Malik Shabbaz, race-hustler Rev. Horace Sheffield, III, and various unnamed union and business leaders. Notably not mentioned as attending was Kilpatrick’s own pastor, Rev. J. Drew Sheard.

Shabbaz, (who, if it weren’t for the Colonel Klink outfits he wears would undoubtedly be mistaken for St. Francis of Assisi), denied the prayer meeting had anything to do with Prosecutor Kym Worthy’s announcement yesterday that she had finally made up her mind about whether or not to charge Kilpatrick with perjury for the whoppers he swore to under oath in court.

“We went to pray,” Shabazz said. “Our mayor is a praying mayor. He believes in the power of prayer, and so do we.”

Okay, I'll buy that. For one, I don’t think Worthy had made her announcement before the prayer meeting was called. Second, since Worthy’s decision was already made, prayer would be too late. And third, if Worthy does announce a decision to charge Kilpatrick, or otherwise fails to let him completely off the hook, it will be Kym who needs prayers, not Kwame.

Then let's just leave aside the minor issue of how a municipal property from which all Nativity scenes have been forever banned can be used for a taxpayer-funded prayer meeting without public comment. I’m more interested in the image of Kwame on his knees for two hours petitioning the Lord--but for what?

Maybe he’s praying for a bolt of lightning to smite his persecutors. But a single bolt won’t do it, as the people who are calling for him to resign grows by the hour. Maybe better request a Noah’s Ark-style deluge to wipe out the 90% of Detroiters who think he’s a big fat liar, and then the remnant can be on your jury. And while it's raining we’d better ask Jehovah to submerge Cox, Dave Bing, and definitely Scott Lewis and Mildred Gaddis, and those certain someones on the City Council.

Or maybe Kwame was just “humbly, humbly,” asking the Lord to give him what he needs to keep on moving forward on behalf of the city he loves “with every part of his being.” You know, things like fortitude, courage, wisdom to do the right thing.

And beyond all that sissy stuff, what this particular hip-hop mayor also needs to run a city includes a whole mess of city grease to spread around to his patrons, his cronies, and his high-school posse, not to mention lots of clandestine nookie, procured with the assistance of dirty cops standing guard over tax-funded love nests, and a whole lot of darkness to cover it all up.

Which would be a big request, even if you're as devout as Kwame, and believe in the power of prayer. because at the moment, there happen to be about two dozen Joshuas who have commanded to sun to stand still for about the past 6 weeks, and there’s not a promise of a shadow in sight.

All of which means the Lord’s going to have to do a real miracle if Kwame’s ever going to get resume his necessary rejuvenating LOLing with the likes of Christine Beatty or the lady in mink without every news camera in the city peeping in the windows.

Anyway, it’s interesting to speculate about the Kwame prayer meeting. But there's one thing I’m pretty sure of. With guys like Shabbaz and Sheffield in your prayer corner, Kingpin won’t be praying for all those people he hurt, and continues to hurt--not for the policemen whose careers he ruined, nor the ones he’s corrupted beyond repair, nor the loyal administration and political accomplices forced to go out and lie for him day after day, nor the strippers and the escorts and the Jamaican chippies it takes to fuel his massive ego, nor the citizens he lies to and disserves so badly.

The ones he loves with every part of his being.