Saturday, March 01, 2008

The Divine Right of King(pin)s

L'Etat c'est moi’, said Louis XIV: (‘I am the state’).

'Detroit c'est moi," says Mayor Kwame (Kingpin) Kilpatrick: ('I'm not going anywhere.')

Thursday's Detroit News reported:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said Thursday afternoon he won't resign from office in the wake of the recent text message scandal.

"This is what I was born to do," the mayor said after visiting a group of senior citizens during his first public appearance since the release of secret documents related to three police whistle-blower cases that cost $8.4 million. ("Kilpatrick says he won't resign").

He's not going anywhere, because being mayor is his birthright. Just like being king was Louis's birthright.

Just ask his mom. Kwame's that is, not Louis's. Congresswoman ("We will appeal no matter how much it costs the city.") Cheeks Kilpatrick,
Or his dad, Bernard Kilpatrick, who likened Kwame's critics during his re-election to Nazis perpetrating "a big lie in Europe" in order to kill all the Jews.

It's all about the history, folks.
And the religion, too.

Didn't Kwame tell us he's “God’s guy,” who feels with all his heart and soul that God “anointed” him to be mayor of Detroit?

And didn't he say that something “bad would happen” to him if he ever “walked away from this blessing”? ("Mayor Kilpatrick's Growing Troubles Only Strengthen His Faith").

Oh, and by the way, even without his divine right to rule, he doesn't owe anything to the Detroit voters, because he's blameless:

The mayor said he did nothing to mislead City Council or Detroit residents.

"There was no cover-up," Kilpatrick said.

His Honor also went on to explain that he has no need to pay back any of the $8.4M he's cost the city by not doing anything wrong, because:

"I pay it back every day," he said. "When I go out and do an economic stimulus package for hundreds of millions of dollars. When I go find a way to do a deal on the (Detroit-Windsor) tunnel for $75 million dollars. … I work every day to make sure the city gets what it's owed."

So let's try to understand this. When Kwame does the job he was elected to do (divinely elected, that is), in turn bringing economic benefits to the city, that money is actually his, from which he can deduct payments for his personal debts, like the $8.4M he cost the city in the whistleblower suit and cover-up.

In which case it must follow that if Mayor Kingpin had not wasted city resources by his extra-mayoral kanoodling, his retaliatory discharges of city cops, and his fruitless legal shenanigans to cover it all up--in other words, if he'd just been an honest an honorable mayor and done his job--then the city would owe him an extra $8.4M over and above what he's already being paid for the economic improvements he brought to the city.

But this isn't about whether or not Kwame did anything wrong, because he hardly ever has.

Except once:

"I stole a Marathon bar from a convenience store when I was 10 years old. I was caught by the person who got me. And my mother gave a spanking and I put the Marathon bar back. That is the only crime that I've ever committed." ("Council may ask mayor to quit").

Now Kilpatrick didn't mention that when his mother, Caroline Cheeks Kilpatrick, who was then Michigan House rep, “gave a spanking” in the wake of her son’s thwarted theft, it wasn’t Kwame at all, but the store clerk upon whom the future First Mother opened up a can of patented family-brand whoop-ass. According to police reports long since suppressed, Kwame’s mother repeatedly bashed the store clerk with heavily loaded Louis Vuitton handbag while screaming “Don’t nobody gonna talk about my boy! We in a fight! Yes I can! Praise the Lord!” --and other prophetic words foreshadowing the coming advent of her offspring as God's man for the City of Detroit.

Now so far DU been able to confirm reports that Kilpatrick strictly ordered officers on his Executive Protection Unit to use the radio codename, “Marathon bar” when referring to Christine Beatty, his chief of staff and frequent hotel companion,the codename being Mayor's good-natured jibe at Ms. Beatty's cuckolded husband (now ex-husband), Lou Beatty.

Mr. Beatty is (was) one of Mayor Kingpin's oldest high school friends, and also the man whose wife he stole, (or one of the men), much more cleverly this time, it should be noted, than when Kwame was ten, this time without getting “caught by the person who got me.”

As revealed in K&B’s text messages, Kwame is a strict constructionist when it comes to what constitutes being “officially busted.”

When Kingpin was bragging in text messages to Beatty how their previous night’s sonic-love-boom had to have been heard by bodyguards posted right outside the hotel-room door, Beatty expressed mild anxiety about the couple being found out:

CB: So we are officially busted! LOL

KK: LOL LOL! Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see! LOL. ...

CB: LOL, LOL. Damn, so they have to walk in before you conceed busted! LOL.

KK: Hell yeah. Walk in.

So as you can see, the Mayor is only being consistent in his moral point of view. "Officialy busted" is when someone walks in, it's what someone sees.

Someone walked in and saw when he swiped that candy bar all those years ago, thus making it the only crime he admits having committed. If the clerk hadn't spotted him, (and I'm sure now that poor clerk wishes he hadn't), the young Kingpin would have retained his claim to the title "never busted," and, ergo, taking the candy bar would have been only one more morally approved example of the divine privilege to which Kwame Kilpatrick was born.

Now I know some of you moral absolutists and mayor-bashers out there are going to stubbornly refuse to recognize any distinction between Kilpatrick's actions and either a) doing something wrong or b) committing a crime, such as perjury, to cover up a).

Haven't you ever taken a class in history? Don't you people have any Bibles?


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