Abdridged, Bothered, and Bewildered, or, O'Reilly Writes Again

Flush from his victory over yet another very close call in Dearborn with what he refers to as “creeping free speech,” Mayor Jack O’Reilly is back at work on a follow up Open Letter to the one he published in the Press & Guide this past week.

A first draft of the letter has found its way to us here at Dearborn Underground. Naturally we’re happy to pass it along:


Open Letter to Dearborn Residents

People of Dearborn!

The threat has passed! And now, may we of Dearborn’s interfaith community all join hands around our city in a circle of Unity, Diversity, and Gratitude to the deity of your choice -- or no deity at all, we’re totally cool with that here: (did you know that over 40,000 atheists from all over world came to work at Henry Ford's Rouge Plant for $5.00 a day?) -- anyway, Gratitude for giving us this tremendous victory over those two guys in Harley Davison t-shirts.

Return to your homes! Enjoy your freedom to practice your religion without fear of contradiction! Consume in peace a Dearborn sausage! Allahu Akhbar!

This tremendous Good Friday victory could only come about because of the dedicated hard work of several leading notables, what I can only describe as a “Dream Team.”

First and foremost we’ve got Dearborn’s very own Chief of Police, Ronald Haddad. Without Chief Haddad’s courageous act of declaring under oath that he had hard information that Pastor Terry Jones intended to burn a Qu’ran on Friday and provoke a riot, prosecutors would never have been able to hale Pastor Jones into court to answer a trumped-up criminal complaint.

And while it’s true that the Chief had to admit during Friday’s trial that he had never had any such evidence that Jones intended to burn a Qu’ran, everyone who saw him there assures me that the Chief looked as splendid as he always does in his Chief of Police uniform. Lookin’ good, Chief!

Equally valuable was Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy’s dedicated focus on stopping Jones from speaking before he even got here. Thanks to the Prosecutor’s ingenious
unearthing of an unenforced 1846 law, our Dream Team was able to come up with a plan to put a restraint on what Jones had in mind, prior to his actual appearance at the protest site! What a GREAT Constitution we have! And you go, girl!

And what can I say of our Islamic partners in freedom, such as Imam Hassan Qazwini, of the Islamic Center of America, and Dawud Walid, of CAIR?














Imam Qazwini and Dawud both were constantly showing up in the media, and they both were constantly saying the same thing, which is that of course Pastor Jones has a perfect right to protest here. Meanwhile, they were both doing everything in their power to assist us in preventing it!

Thank you both. My hand is on my heart right now, guys, really.

And Imam Qazwini, I know you’re especially happy to know that the public property in front of your mosque is now a legally recognized “No Permit/No Free Speech Zone.” You know that’s gotta make the Mullahs in Tehran sit up and take notice. And, just as good, no one else will be allowed to spew any hate around the Islamic Center of America. Unless you invite them, naturally!

You’re welcome!

And you have to know that Judge Somers has become an indispensable addition to our executive/judicial partnership. Judge Somers has become Dearborn’s wisest jurist on the legal subtleties of “breach of the peace.” (For instance, I never realized before that “free speech” rhymes with “he breach”! Thanks, Judge! I wish I’d paid better attention in law school.)


Anyway, in 2010 Judge Somers had the opportunity to refuse to dismiss another bunch of trumped-up criminal charges against some Christian missionaries in another case that, just coincidentally, also “had nothing to do with First Amendment Rights; it [had] to do with public safety.”

Of course I’m talking about those crusaders who were breaching the peace at our World Famous Arab International Festival (which by the way gets over 300,000 visitors each year from all over the world). Chief Haddad helped us out on that one too! Along with breaching the peace, Chief Haddad also informed me he had solid intelligence from a local imam that the four missionaries were polytheists, but for some reason the city attorney pooh-poohed charging them with that, too. I guess there’s no ordinance against that in Dearborn at this time. In spite of Judge Somers’s efforts, all four polytheists did end up being acquitted by some dumb jury. But, as any one of the over 18,000 bar flies who visit one or more of Dearborn’s many alcohol licensed bars each month like to say so much, it was “all good”: I still got to go on national TV and explain that there is no Sharia in Dearborn, or anywhere else in the world!

You’re welcome!

What I want to say is, let’s just all remember what Abraham Lincoln said about our freedoms: “Constitution yesterday, Constitution today, Constitution forever!”

And I want to emphasize again that here in Dearborn everyone can rest assured that your freedom of speech will not be abridged, ever, unless, just like the First Amendment also says, letting you speak is going to violate someone’s right not to hear what you have to say.

So I’m hoping to see each and every one of you somewhere this Summer. Maybe at the world famous Henry Ford, (where over 1.5 million people visit each year), or at Dearborn Sausage, (where over 1.2 million sausages are purchased each year) or even at B.T.’s, (where over 14,000 lap -- well, never mind that. Just say where many hard-working autoworkers of every race, creed, and religion have been enjoying Sharia-free adult entertainment for over 30 years).

Yours in Keeping Dearborn Safe,

Mayor Jack (“Constitution”) O’Reilly