Let's Give 'Em Summit to Talk About

DU was able to get its spy into the Rose Garden Thursday night, which is why we can share at least some of the high points of the world's first Beer Summit...

...[Joe Biden is finishing up a rambling story that he interrupted the others to tell].

BIDEN:“So anywho, that stuff happens every night at Mitch’s--best damn cop bar in Scranton. I drink there all the time.”

OBAMA: [Has been frowning deeply at Biden, then continues with what he'd been saying], “Now under my plan, you can still buy your favorite beer, but there’ll be a public option, to keep the big breweries honest and protect working people--”

GATES: “Quite interesting, Mr. President.”

OBAMA: “--For example, Budweiser made record profits last year.”

All look expectantly at OBAMA to hear him finish making his point. After an awkward pause, they all realize he has made his point.

CROWLEY: “Hey, professor, is that your first time trying Sam Adams?”

GATES: [Drily]. “No. It happens to be my regular brand. You may be surprised to learn that [makes finger quotes] ‘we people’ don’t all prefer malt liquor.”

CROWLEY: “I’m just asking.”

BIDEN: “Poor Sam Adams. That guy had it tough taking office after Washington.”

OBAMA: “Joe! remember what we talked about.”

BIDEN: “Sorry.”

GATES: “Anyway, the point I was trying to get across to Sergeant Crocker--”

CROWLEY: “That’s Sergeant Crowley, professor.”

GATES: “I beg your pardon. The point I was making to Officer Crowley.”

CROWLEY: “That’s Sergeant Crowley.” [Tiny arcs of Taser fire blaze in his eyes.]

OBAMA: “Now, gentlemen, go easy. We’re just some workin’ stiffs having a beer.”

CROWLEY: “You know what? You're right. I’m OK.”

GATES: “What do you mean you're OK? Like I'm not OK?”

CROWLEY: “Meaning go on with what you were saying, professor.”

GATES: “I’ll go on with your mama.”

[CROWLEY lifts the hem of his suitcoat so GATES can see his handcuffs.]

OBAMA: “Now, guys, don't forget the media's right over there with their telephotos. We’re just havin’ some beers here. Have some more peanuts.”

BIDEN: “This happens all the time at Mitch’s. Look at a guy wrong, get a barstool in the mouth. A barney every damn night! I love that place. OW!” [BIDEN grabs his ankle, then looks up at OBAMA with a hurt expression].

GATES: [Gazing abstractly, professorially,at the sky.] “In the class at Harrr-vvard University where I am a professor, I teach how the profiler assumes the guilt or innocence of another based merely on appearances.” [To CROWLEY]: “For example, when you saw that I was a black man living in America, you assumed I was a burglar.”

CROWLEY: “No I didn't, all I did was ask you for some ID. If I show up at a potential crime scene assuming guys are innocent I’ll get my head blown off.”

GATES: “But didn't it matter to you how I was dressed? How I talked? How I comported myself?”

CROWLEY: “Well in the class I teach, I tell officers we aren’t allowed to make assumptions about people based on how they’re dressed or how they talk.”

GATES: “Shoot! Do I look like a criminal to you? Do you see a man with a do-rag, droopy pants, a gangster limp . . .”

CROWLEY: “Oh, cripes, who’s the profiler here, anyway?”

GATES: “I’ll profile your mama.”

CROWLEY: “All right, sir: you're gonna need to put your hands where I can see them.” [Reflexively reaches for his missing shoulder mike to call for backup.]

BIDEN [Dreamily]: “Geez, I miss my mom.”

OBAMA: “Now, fellas. Enough! Remember what I told you about it being okay to agree to disagree? Remember that common bond we all have? Didn’t we all vote for me?”

BIDEN: “We-e-ll. . .”

CROWLEY: [Yanking on his lapels and twisting his neck]. “You have a point, Mr. President. All right, I’m good. I can agree to disagree.”

GATES: “I can agree to disagree, too, Kojak. Makes no difference to me any-hyah.”

OBAMA: “All right then. I think this has all been very productive, very healing, very teachable. In fact, why don't we just go right around the table and each tell something we’ve learned today.”

BIDEN: “I’ve learned--”

OBAMA: “Pipe down, Biden. Professor Gates?”

GATES: “I’ve learned there’s still a need for structural change if a black man is going to get justice in America.”

CROWLEY: “I’ve learned that just because a citizen talks back to me on his front porch I can’t just arrest him for disorderly conduct. I have to think of something else to arrest him for.”

OBAMA: “And I’ve learned that differences can be ironed out through dialogue, symbolic gestures, and a commitment to abandon the failed policies of the past eight years.”

BIDEN: “And I learned they add the salt to the beer nuts after they grow ‘em. Damn! Almost time for Wheel of Fortune!”